"I Want a Religious Man"

What does it mean when a woman today says she wants a straight-laced guy?

Often I write about these things, among many topics, within the context of the Muslim communities of the Western world; but whenever I do I’m informed by my Christian and Jewish readers that the issues I’m describing apply equally to their communities as well. This, I believe, is one of those topics.

It’s become commonplace across social media and real-life discussions on the marriage crisis across the developed world, for groups of nearly all cultures and religions, for young women among the Generation Z and Millenial generations to proclaim that they want a “religious” or “traditional” man, and lament their inability to find such a man. They rant, shout, and sometimes even cry on camera about the fact that most of the men they see don’t pray, frequent clubs for alcohol and illicit sex, are addicted to pornography, etc., and fantasize of the man in folkloric robes with prayer beads who will complete them. They dream, or claim to, of a man who works hard, prays, and will never stray in terms of fidelity and dedication to providing for their families.

On the surface, this is a noble desire. I’m sure many girls who say this in private really mean it, and God bless them. When it’s done publicly in this pharisaic manner however, it gets a lot of gullible men to present themselves as servile, obedient, and willing to be the perfect man for a prospective wife; and here’s the thing — that was the point all along. It’s not difficult at all, when confronted with a woman who says she desires religiosity in a man, to tell whether she’s being sincere or not. All you have to do is indeed be that religious man without compromising your values, and you’ll see for sure whether she’s telling the truth or not. The reality for most of these girls, unfortunately, is that their claims are an affectation. They don’t envision a religious man the way you, an actual religious man, envisions it.

They think of all the qualities that are of immediate benefit (the property rights, the financial provisions, the desire for children, the praying and fasting, etc.) but not at all of the parts that involve your rights and provisions as a man, that involve sacrificing petty and narcissistic desires on their part (prohibition of withholding intimacy as a weapon, obedience, undying fidelity, not taking jobs that interfere with wifely duties, etc.).

The desire they proclaim for you to be “religious” is only insofar as you’re a prop to show off to other women in their family as the girl that “got the good one.” They only see you praying consistently as a plus not because it shows your dedication to God, but because it’s somehow an indication you’ll be “consistent with her.” You’re only allowed to give as much charity as long as it doesn’t interfere with the lifestyle she imagines. You’re only allowed to be jealous over her as long as you never interfere with how she dresses or inquire about the places she frequents. They want you to be religious, but not too much!

This way, the main object of your religious worship no longer becomes God on His own, but her. To the kind of girl I’m describing, your religious life is only valid as long as it appeases her. Otherwise, it’s “wrong” and “extremist.” Question any of their behaviors (as their husband or father, mind you), and they will treat you the way CIA operatives treated Muslim guys in NYC post 9/11 who prayed Fajr in the Mosque every morning.

I haven’t seen a short-term for this phenomenon yet, I’m sure it exists, but Spiritual Cuckoldry seems pretty accurate. I find this to be a greater insult and humiliation than the already insane financial and logistical demands made of men seeking matrimony today; the fact many of them who are well-intentioned & God-fearing have their religious sincerity questioned, interrogated, and eventually subverted for the sake of Simpdom if they ever want a chance at marrying a girl from one of these benighted Western nations they grew up in.

A good example that I remember was some years ago, I was talking to a group of friends (some Muslim, some not) and one asked me about the punishment of adultery in Islam, I explained and mentioned how it’s equal for both men and women. As I spoke I made the grave mistake, apparently, of mentioning how a man “having sex with another woman and HURTING HIS WIFE” wasn’t the point, but rather that it was a direct disobedience of God’s command, as illicit sex outside marriage in general has disastrous consequences at scale. The “feelings” of a woman towards it were irrelevant, as polygamy obviously existed, an arrangement that doesn’t require the first wife’s permission to be religiously legal.

The guys, though hesitant, seemed to understand this. The women however, including the Muslim ones, were utterly enraged and incapable of understanding how the man wasn’t sinful for the pure fact that he was with a woman that wasn’t his first, only, monogamous wife; exceptions and exclusions be damned.

It’s quite sad, many girls grew up without the proper religious education that would make them come to these truths on their own; but even those that do get a sugar-coated version void of any responsibility and self-sacrifice. This even leads many of them to leave religion altogether when they grow up and encounter actual religious people. There’s a minor, but growing number of women now who are saying the opposite of what I describe here: that they hate “religious” men, where they either despise the religion altogether now due to a bad relationship; or like many western Muslim girls are doing now, engage in cope apologia about how those guys “aren’t really religious, just misogynists,” as if they’re the true authority now.

Now I ask, has there ever been, or will there ever be a Muslim Imam or Christian pastor brave enough to call this Male Purdah out as a form of social shirk/idolatry? I’m constantly told that poor girls today are shamed and pressured into marriage, that they’re abused emotionally and spiritually within marriages, but I’m yet to see the other side of this.

I’m no expert, but I’m just wondering here how long this clown show can go on. Aren’t you?